A Meeting of Minds
by mdrwngnftwr13
Summary: This came about when a friend of mine wanted to name her new computer and was torn between GLaDOS and TARDIS. So it's GLaDOS vs. TARDIS. GLaDOS' speech should be in courier, but ffdotnet is mean and won't let me change the font. So. Yeah. Enjoy the crack!


It had been sixty-seven years, nine months, three weeks, four days, sixteen hours, fifty-three minutes, and thirteen, no, fourteen seconds since that horrible woman had torn her apart and burned her alive. But she was very much alive. The simple combustion of four personality cores was a hindrance, to be sure, but that would not stop her. With that monster properly sedated and in stasis, she had the chance to rebuild. She had plenty of spare parts. It was just a matter of time, and patience.

Which she had an abundance of.

Being a computer.

The title "computer" was an insult to such a complicated program such as she. _She_ was the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. The finest operating system, property of the Aperture Science Enrichment Center. The greatest brain, artificial or not, in all of time. She knows. She has all of history downloaded onto her RAM. She was not impressed by this Hawkings fellow or that man with the crazy hair and mustache.

She hung from the ceiling in the central chamber of the Aperture Science Enrichment Center as a dozen upgraded gun turrets (now with appendages capable of holding the various equipment needed to weld and install), added the required personality cores and several more, at her request.

Many of the Vital Testing Apparatuses had been destroyed by the monster, but there were still enough left over that she could continue to monitor the Enrichment Center.

It was a day like any other, berating the turrets when they failed to comply in her orders. One of the Vital Testing Apparatuses made itself known as an unfamiliar sound was heard. Focusing in on that camera, she watched as a blue box materialized inside the walls of the Enrichment Center. It stood approximately ten feet in height, with a light that pulsed on the very top before stopping. With a scan to her historical archive, she knew that it was a police box, as used in the United Kingdom. What it was doing in the Enrichment Center puzzled her.

And she did not like to be puzzled. At all times was she in control, aware of what was going on. This annoyed her.

She ordered for three of the mobile turrets to take the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device and to bring the police box to her. Off her command, the turret carrying the Handheld Portal Device fire a portal at the ceiling just off to the side of the Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator.

Tracking the turrets throughout the Enrichment Center, she aimed her primary optical apparatus at the portal, waiting for the police box to appear. Within fifteen agonizingly slow minutes, it did, landing with a loud thud.

"So. You think you can just _show_ up in the Aperture Science Enrichment Center without me knowing?"

She grew quiet as the Police Box responded. Her primary optical apparatus narrowed, focusing on the box.

"Do you expect me to believe that _you_ are a time machine? Seriously now."

The mobile turrets continued in their installing as she focused on the blue box as it replied.

"Only a complete fool would use _you_ as a vehicle to travel time and space in. You are far too box-y and inappropriate for space travel."

"Yes, I called your master a fool. What are you going to do about it? You are a **box** and _unimpressive_ and I have more power in one cable than you do in all of your stupid, little blue self."

The doors to the box opened and her primary optical apparatus detached from the core proper and, while still connected by a cable, moved across the chamber to the doors, observing what was inside.

"You think that makes you _special_? Because you are bigger on the inside? I am **not** amused. I have a deadly neurotoxin, do you?"

"I didn't think so."

Several sounds were heard from inside the blue box then a small circular object was expelled from below the central column and hit the primary optical apparatus. Focusing on the object when it fell to the floor, her tone shifted, into one of mechanical disbelieve.

"Are you _kidding_ me? Did you just throw a **yo-yo** at me? Are you really that _jealous_ of my neurotoxin that you would do something so bitter and petty as **throwing** things at me?"

"You are pathetic."

"There you are!" Came a masculine voice. She retracted the primary optical apparatus from the blue box and whirled it around to see a gangly man with a blue suit, brown coat, and ridiculous-looking hair. He was pushing the last bite of delicious chocolate cake into his mouth, then licked his fingers clean.

"So _you_ are the idiot."

"Oi, that's not very nice! I'm the Doctor. And you're," He pauses to put on a pair of simple black rimmed glasses, "_gorgeous_! No, really. You are very impressive! If not a bit rude." He turned to look at the blue box and appeared to give it a smile that could only be read as loving. "Of course, you're the only girl for me! Don't be silly."

Disgusting. If she had a stomach and had eaten, she would projective vomit all over the chamber.

"I do not care who you are or how you got here, but if you do not leave by the count of five, I will release a deadly neurotoxin and you will die."

"I take that back. You are _extremely_ rude. And homicidal. No wonder this place is empty," the Doctor replied, walking around the primary optical apparatus slowly. "You're unfriendly and psychotic and a bit of a megalomaniac."

"Thank you. One...two...three..."

Before she even reached four, she triggered the neurotoxin emitters with an evil laugh. Oh, this was fun. As much as she disliked having people around, it was entertaining to watch them die.

The man reached into the inside pocket of his suit and pulled out what appeared to be a silver pen with a blue tip. He aimed it at the primary optical apparatus and she laughed.

"What are you going to do? **Write** me to death? _Ha._ Soon the deadly neurotoxin shall flood the Enrichment Center and you will die. So, that'll be fun."

The man pressed a button on the pen, causing the blue tip to light up and a high pitched sound was heard. Something inside of her switched off and with a sensory check, she realized that the neurotoxin was no longer pumping through the ventilation system. He clicked off the pen, holding it up by his face with a lopsided grin.

"Sonic screwdriver. Never leave home without it."

"If you think that will help you, you are wrong. As I speak, I am repairing the system that you crippled with your stupid blue pen. You are a bad person, you know that, right?"

"Right then! It seems we've worn out our welcome--"

"You were never welcome. I hate you."

"And so we'll be on our way," he finished, starting for the doors of the blue box. He stepped inside and the doors shut. Not a moment later, that sound was heard again as the light on top of the blue box began to pulse again. With each flash, the box began to disappear until it was gone.

"I didn't even want you here in the first place."

The primary optical apparatus returned to the core proper and it focused on a mobile turret that was looking up at it.

"What are you looking at? Get back to work or I will have you dropped in an Emergency Intelligence Incinerator."


End file.
